paper pieces i am. | |||||||
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okay. this note really doesn't fit into this section, but i needed to put it somewhere!
anyways, to get a better viewing of my pita ( the way i had set it up ), you must set the text size to SMALLER! ( for those who don't know how to do this, you must go to view on your web browser, then text size and ka-bam! pick SMALLER! ) okay guys?
that way, the colors don't look as weird haha and yeah. do that always when it's anything related to my pita.
and for those who don't wanna do it, haha, the page is going to look really dinky and more whacked out so... yup, yup! thanks guys! hope it wasn't any trouble :)
actually, this pita is for my purposes. it's a place for my head to relieve itself. as you can see, it is a very long, detailed, in dept pita, but you're not necessarily obligated to become a dedicated reader although it would be great if you were! :) however, just read as much as your little <3s desire guys :)
as i end this, just remember..
"understand that friends come and go, but only a precious few should hold on"
so hold on people...
for your friends, hold on.
with many of us going off into our own paths with different futures, this quote perfectly suits the time being.
however, friends should be value always, regardless of the situations so hold on nevertheless...
heart,
where oh where art thou, linda?
if you're interested in a spiffy, awesome, new band, lookie!! they're going to be rock stars someday huh becker?? haha :)
*gulp* yup, so i'm finally leaving.. scary. so let's update on the happenings in my life as of the few days.
i had this whole thing with ivan. some complications came up, which isn't anything new haha. um, but we got that cleared up. thanks to thuy, christine and lotion, i realized, i shouldn't let go of this friendship and bond ivan and i have :) thanks guys! sheesh! thuy! you talk a lot hahah *snicker snicker* but you made me realized A LOT of things! what will linda do without you?! anyway, thanks sweetie! i'll love you always for the "smack in the face hard" truth! :) and christine, thanks for siding with me! haha and lotion, well, thanks for cheering me up with that whole tongue ring metaphor haha :) but yes, thanks to these people, i learned a lot. i guess it was this whole moving into a new city that got me scared and made me take unthinkable actions and yeah....
anyway, ivan and i met up at vinci park today around threeish and had a nice one on one conversation which we haven't had for awhile so it was nice... got to say what was on our minds and stuff.. yup. so get this. haha. we were talking about his hair and i was mentioning i liked it before he slicked it back. i liked it better when he had his hair they way it was when we were together haha, before he spiked it! haha so guess what people? he's going to do that look just for me! woohoo!
ivan: i'm going to do it just for you okay?
so there you have. haha. a shrine of a little conversation at the park. so we spent an hour and a half or so, talking. then, i already had the idea of going over to christine's house to chill and say bye so we gave her a call, but she wasn't ready yet! and she wanted to look decent! so she said in thirty minutes. and in that time, ivan and i caught up. hmm, we made a deal haha. i have to give him this picture of me and christine and sign it with thought!! i can't just put "i hate ivan and ps. i need to go PEE" haha and in exchange for that, he's going to give me a senior portrait of him! eep! yeah!!! this is an exciting moment because i'm the very first person that he's actually going to GIVE a picture of himself too haha. i mean, people steal it, but he's actually giving it to me. wow....
so we went to christine's house and relaxed and talked and had a blast. ivan had to go so i hugged him goodbye ( which was bit new and awkward haha ) and christine and i had some alone time. then came along lotion! and it was once again the three amigos and yup :)
by the time i came home, it was eight pm, i think but i still needed to pack and woohoo! people IMed me! that was soo cool haha :) and i talked to a few people i haven't spoken to awhile. i gave lisa a call, left tina a voicemall and then, called ivan to thank him for the conversation we had in the park ( i know, i'm cheesy! ), but he had to go because i called just about 11:45ish haha so he was getting in trouble. so yeah! there you have it :)
thanks ivan for the conversation.. sheesh, amazingly, you're still here to stick by my nerdy side! and you MAKE me overthink! don't forget that. thanks christine for inviting us into your spiffy home!!! :) and lotion for taking me home! haha and thanks to everyone else who took time to wish me luck!! *muah* i'll call you all when i get there!
woohoo!! i just got my calculator back from tam haha like right now at 12:09 am! and my dad wasn't exactly in the best mood.... haha anyway yeah!! good night people! has hitted me. my nose is clogged up. my throat hurts. i have a headache. i am sick. at least, i think. i don't know how i got this way.
yesterday, after going to walgreens with my mom to pick up a few things, waited for ivan to pick me up. we were kind of late, well, we thought we were but lotion and christine were even latER. haha. we were supposed to meet up at the theater at eleven am since the movie starts at 11:20. i planned out the time frame good though haha. movie starts at 11:20. we decided to watch "swimfan" which was an hour and 25 minutes long, meaning the movie would end around one-ish and we would have about an hour left to eat and talk since ivan and christine both have classes at three and parking is a bitch at state.
but things didn't go that way. we ended up watching the movie at 12:20 and before that, we walked around the mall and we took studio pictures. okay, i didn't want to. haha, but christine had this whole guilt trip and ivan insulted himself for me haha so yeah. it doesn't look well, on my part anyway. haha :) christine looked very darling :) woman! you are hot!!! :) we talked throughout the walking around. then, ivan had to leave to find parking so it was the three amigos :)
it was quite entertaining, seeing as how they were all giving me these weird stares and looks and aiyah! thanks lotion, christine and ivan for the day :) you guys talk soo much! we're trying to watch the movie people! haha. it was funny, because throughout the whole time, watching the movie, lotion and christine would be talking! and ivan and i would be like erk?! haha okay, ivan and i were talking too... haha, but not as much as those lovebirds! haha. oh! throughout that time, i knew they would make fun of me and ivan's comfortableness with one another. they were POINTING and whispering "look" oh my god! haha
in fact, they did that a lot. this was the first time they've seen us interact with one another so it's natural for them to think MORE stuff. i told them stuff about us, and somehow, they have their own analysis of it all haha. sometimes, i tell people about ivan and me stuff and they think "certain" things. along the lines of, why don't you guys get back together?! or.. you guys still have a thing, you just don't know it! yeah haha. from that, i start to think, maybe i'm telling it wrong or something, giving them this weird, wrong ideas, but i know i'm not.... haha. hmm.
anyway, after ivan left, christine asked AGAIN, "why did you and ivan break up?!?! i don't get it!!" haha and i had to explain to her AGAIN haha. well, i explained a bit to refresh her memory. but that happens a lot with this sort of case. where people would see us interact and wonder what went wrong. we're just best friends people... haha but us, used to date, gives out weird vibes haha. overall, it was an okay day because one, i was tired ( and now i know why, because i was getting sick... ). two, it was HOT!! haha. placing dorkhead and nerdbutt in heated weather sucks.. because we're not dorkhead and nerdbutt. haha
and now, miss linda is feeling icky. okay, time for studying if my brain can function right. eep! tomorrow is going to be my last day sleeping in this house... moving in saturday!
big reminder: ask joan for my cardigan that she's been having in her possession for over five months!!! ahhh! i want it back damnit haha :) so a few people knew i was supposedly going up to davis today so many asked and eh. judging from my last entry, i wasn't feeling so well. i felt even worse when i got home and my dad woke up from his nap... it's just the usual parent/teenager fight. he thinks he's right. he won't listen to me. i talk back. he calls me stupid. i run up to my room. i cry. i wipe the tears away. i get on my feet again. i'm too used to this sort of thing. if i can handle being whooped with a stupid umbrella, his words, i can handle. oh geez, i know this isn't important to anyone, but yeah. all my life, i remembered the horrible details... /")("\ not good..
waiting for me, were friends that cared and attempted to make me feel better :) kristel wanted to bake me a cake or come right over to my house so we could have our movie night ( she's at sfsu right now ) :) awww!!! it was really the thought that counts :) kristel's sooo nice! i love you kristel! and i miss you all the muCHO! *muah* thank you for cheering me up!! thank you to everyone else who did. petie, my horny buddy! lotion, my newfound buddy and vy, my oh so tall buddy :)
well, i really have nothing on my mind, just that, my room is really messy!!!! ahhh!! i think i'll go clean up a bit before i go to bed. night guys! wow... i'm going to bed early haha i think my night hyperness has reached it's peak and ready to collapse again
oh! kristen did call to check up on me! aww so sweet and her parents did too. i feel so bad.. leaving her in the apartment by herself..... i wish i could go now, but the king of the house stopped in his tracks. my mom knocks on my door at 8:30 am and rise and shine, miss linda wakes up. after my sisters and i loaded boxes in my dad's truck, my parents and i got ready to head out to davis.
i thought my dad had already gotten the directions to get to davis but nope, boy... did linda think wrong. he thought since i've been their ONCE, which was a month ago, that i would know exactly what directions were needed. first off, it's not as though i've driven for years like he has so i'm not much of an expert on freewaying and junk and second of all, he's the driver so i would assumed he would wanna take control of it. my dad's like that. a few months back, i had a gathering at notre dame and he even got a map and planned it out. throughout my head, i kept wondering, "and how is davis differ from this?"
he didn't have the right map, so he told me to go online and get the directions from there. okay. we all know yahoo map isn't exactly the most accurate resource in traveling but i did what he asked because my dad would have a cow if i didn't. since none of the printers don't work on my computer ( one of my sister broke my printer ), i had to write the directions by hand.
on the road, my dad didn't exactly followed the directions. i didn't think much of that because yahoo always gives you unneeded directions. i dozed off a bit since it was a long drive. every once in awhile, i would open my eyes to glance at the exit signs and stuff. then, i noticed that the surrounding didn't look familar at all... which started to scare the heebby jeebbies outta me.
we're in the city of sacramento!! which is a little pass davis. from the yahoo map, it said to exit richards blvd. the weird thing is... richards blvd is in sacramento and my apartment is in davis so duh! obviously, the yahoo map made a terrible mistake and we just had realized that then! so what does my dad do? he turns and he bitches at me saying how stupid i am for not knowing the correct directions, that i copied the address to my apartment wrong. ugh. i got fed up. i'm not the one that controls yahoo map's website, i just copied the damn directions for you! and he goes on and on and bitches and bitches more and more.
finally, he gets soo fed up, he decides to drive back home. in the car, again, he bitches at me. i'm thinking, "geez! i know! it's my fault right? okay.. you got that point acrossed a million times!" he tells me that i copied my address wrong.... and grr! i hate it when my parents call me stupid. okay, so he didn't take the preparations in the days nearing to my moving day?! he waits til sunday morning to figure things out. i told my dad weeks ago about this and nada, he did nothing about it. no map buying. no preparing. so of course, it's my fault.. how wonderful, isn't it?
it's always my fault. i kind of prepped for him saying that it to me. we went through this sort of thing when going to notre dame. and ladies and germs, this is why i never ask my dad for anything, even when it's related to important matters like school! it's his reaction that i'm scared of.
at one point, i said, "i did copy the address right"
and he screamed, "shut up!!!" and complained about how he doesn't want to drive while full of frustration so i just let him continue to bitch at me. and no, i didn't cry. i'm sooo used to his bitching that it doesn't even make me react. he claims i'm "stubborn." honestly, that's probably the only word he knows to describe me because i'm not all that stubborn and if i am stubborn, i learned it from him.
we get home around three pm and i am dead tired. i go online to look at the map again, just to make sure of things. so here is what i found and it was really odd. on the direction section, it said to turn right on richards blvd and take a right on olive drive. okay, when we turned right on richards, there was NO olive drive at all... then, i look at the map given and it has NO richards blvd but a COWELL blvd... isn't that whacky stuff? i know you guys aren't all that interested in this, but since this is my pita, it's sort of... helping me organize my thoughts.. trying to figure this wackiness out. yup...
all in all, it was one hell of a crappy day and i learned two important things: 1. get a map without resorting to yahoo and if you do have to go to yahoo, look at everything carefully ( i was in a rush when my dad told me so i didn't have much time to scan it ) and 2. never will i travel with my dad.... because even when it's no one's fault, i'm still the one to blame. okay, so my last entry was probably a bit harsh and a bit immature... anyway, it honestly bugs me. maybe, the person signing my guestbook meant it in the nicest way possible but geezus! it stills pisses me off.. no matter how i look at it. a pita is someone's space. it's where you type your thoughts of frustration and lonliness and all the feelings you have... so if you're going to criticize someone for having feelings, then, screw you. people whine about their problems and that's what writing in a pita or any sort of journal does... it relieves the stress.. so as you can tell, i'm still holding in a bit of anger.
okay, i guess i'm done with the angry side of me.
well, today, i did a bit of calling around to say hi to those i haven't talked to in awhile. i called tina, but left her a message on her voice mail. then, i called brenda, but she seemed busy heh, but was surprised to hear from me. well, i think from the tone of her voice. she invited me to go to a friend's surprise party, but i declined because i wouldn't know anyone there and it's supposed to be a party for one of her friends and i would feel a bit awkward but i told her we could definitely hang out later in the week before i go.
i called dorkhead again and.. haha, he didn't pick up so i assumed he was skating at vinci park. so instead, i called my new buddy, christine! i love that chick! :) remarkably, we have soo much weird stuff in common... kinda creepy. we talked for a good hour or so and decided to make plans AGAIN this wednesday. this time, i'm going to make it haha. i really hope haha. so we're trying again with her, lotion and ivan... but i have to reach the dorkhead first to inform him of the plans.
i did get the chance to talk to kristel this afternoon while i was on my packing break :)
let's see... the packing? well, i placed all the boxes and stuff i will bring tomorrow on the mattresses ( i detached my bed frame and junk ) but the rest of the room doesn't look so good... i have all these maps lying around... and i'm kinda freaked out. my parents know we're moving in stuff tomorrow sooo i'm hoping they have preparation in mind...
i'm tired... the day has totally worned me out. i'm watching a bit of ocean's eleven. the movie.. maybe, because i'm not paying attention that much, but i don't get it.. haha. people can be immatue fuckers.
i know i'm going to regret even typing this entry but this is momentarily how i'm feeling. okay you person who signed my guestbook with that stupid comment, you have a right to express your thoughts to me. whatever. free world. but to judge me based on my pita is plain, sorry stupid! you don't know who i am or how i am and for you to go in and sign my guestbook thinking shit is grr!
haha, i'm talking to lisa about the comment and she jokingly said, "yeah, i think she does care or else why would she sign your guestbook?" yeah! why would you sign my guestbook if you didn't care?! and soooorrry if i have feelings! i'm only damn human! and i do not think the world revolves around me! everyone wants to feel needed or wanted! derh! so don't assume i'm being some self-centered person down in dumps because everyone has felt that way at one point in their life. if you were even in my shoes, you would know how i feel. but for now, don't write shit when you don't know jackshit!
okay, i let that out. but sorry, if i did sound like a little brat wanting attention... but that was not at all what i was intending it to seem like it. when one leaves for a college, a person wants to feel a bit special.. get me.. you don't even know me and to say that is crap!
note: if you want to sign someone's guestbook and plan on writing something moronic, don't even bother because it won't be left on for long, you jerkfaces..
geez, i hate how people judge others on how they are feeling. so people feel sad and lonely and feel as though no one cares. they DO have a right to feel that way. we are humans! duh! it's natural to feel all the feelings god has given us... and of course you wouldn't care, you don't even know me! hellO!
sorry... linda is in a grr mood right about now. all my life, i've been through this road with people thinking and assuming stuff and i'm tired of it! you don't me so thus, don't say crap to me! yup. tomorrow is the semi-big moving day haha :) and i'm in my room now and it's kind of... not clean haha. i'm trying to decide which boxes will go first tomorrow.. hmm..
last night, i had a nice, eye-opener chat with thuy. you know whata? when i talk to her and i tell her all my problems and junk, i'm scared. i'm scared that she's just going to be right! haha and i'm left to admit my fault. hehe. thank you thuy! i needed that chat, just to help me relax... haha what will linda ever do without thuy haha it's true! she hasn't even seen me and ivan interact with one another nor has to spoken to both of us lately and yet, she knows soo damn much haha. wisdom just splurts right outta her :)
i also had a chat with lisa :) it's been sooo long and it was nice to call her up and just talk. she's been working a lot so she pretty much can't go out with me haha but it's okay. we're planning something on saturday so hopefully, she'll pencil me in :)
i went to bed and whew! i became panicky! there is soo much things i still need to obtain, like an enternet card and the whole money thing for college books or will my parents even give me money! and i have to pay the first month's and last month's rent which bites! this means my folks have to end up paying $775 anyway! grr! and i was thinking of doing working study, but that goes directly to school fees and i need a job which lets me split the cost for tuition and for the rent. aiyah! too many things to worry about!
lord! i couldn't get to bed! i kept thinking about the calculus and chemistry exam i need to take during fall orientation!! eep! i hate trig! i like calc better and damnit! haha.
so i woke up at seven am and just organized my boxes a bit and talked to lisa. then, went down to get a bite to eat. sheesh! this little lady hasn't eaten all that much lately.. haha
i'm too stressed out! does it seem it's hitting me yet?! i don't even know! i just know, i have soooo many things to do and yet so little time to do them! today's plan is to organize my boxes, clean out my room AGAIN, make a list of still needed stuff i need to go buy ( phone cards! enternet card! eep! more stuff! i just can't think!! ), call people up and aiyah.. i'm turning into a major freak about now haha that title is weird :)
anyway, today i was supposed to go out with christine, her lotion, and ivan, but i got into this whole fight with my mom and i was already two hours late!! but she refused to take me! so i was pretty much upset and that was practically half of my day down the drain.
she wouldn't take me to sjsu because she knows i don't go to state but she knows ivan does.. get my drift? haha. yeah. it's just, ivan has been the one that's picking me up so she gets ideas. she knows he used to be my boyfriend but i don't think she knows we've broken up and just really the bestest of friends. anyway, i CAN'T drive because she won't let me take the car AND! she won't take me anywhere so im pretty much stuck in the house
but the day was okay, i guess. felt horrible though because i was the one that initiated or sorda planned this get together and i didn't even show up!! haha
however, i did make the most of my day. i did some thigh crunches haha :) i like them. easy to do and fun. yeah, i'm weird... but ivan is weirdER!! haha
i just got off the phone with ivan about thirty minutes ago and he kept calling me weird! gar! :P "you're weird!" says ivan. "i am weird.. but you're weirder!!" exclaims linda. "no! you're the weirdestest person!" ivan says. haha at first, it was only supposed to be a quick "sorry, i didn't make it" phonecall, but we had a nice chat... for once in a long time haha. a lot of name calling haha and what he's gonna do to his hair haha :) and he's weirdER people! haha aww! i appreciate you talking to me for *in an operator's tone of voice* one hour, forty minutes and twenty-two seconds! haha i'm not sure how long it was, but it was fun! well, anyhoo, thanks for the chat mister weirdO! oh yeah ivan! who's my bitch?! haha! i was originally supposed to call lisa tonight... but the phonecall with ivan lasted longer than i expected. for one thing, i expected him to be busy so i decided to make the phonecall really short. however, i think our "talk" we had tuesday worked things out so he's actually making time for me haha :) haha yes! who rules?! hehe
so here i am, typing slowly and softly! haha my mom might disconnect me :| talking to lotion now about what happened to the outting i missed out on! :( damn, missed out on some fun shit hahaha
ps. i always check thuy's profile! because i have no life haha. i feel special!! she leaves me private messages up there!! awww! thanks miss superwOman! haha :) hope things are okie dokie for now... :)
psycho linda moment?
okay, so the last time i was in this thing, i had this whole pissing moment and dilemma right? and well, for those who are wondering whatever happened to it and if i got things cleared up. well, yeah, i did. heh. at first, i was just going to let it go, as thuy had advise me to do but i kind of opened the cat out of the bag a bit, and the cat just came right out so i really had no choice.
all in all, things got cleared up and yeah, everything is fine. actually, everything's is better than fine. it's great. just the fact that someone knows how you can get or how you are can be a bitch sometimes. i mean, don't get me wrong! it's always good that there's someone like that in your life but it has it's downside too. it gets gRrring sometimes.. haha i mean, someone who knows the bad side and the good side in you haha. in other words, he knows the bitch in me and i know the fucker in him haha. it's true if you look at it from my perspective.
christine called me today around four pm, i think, and we talked for about two hours about some "stuff" and she's actually the first person that well, i told her something haha only, because she said, "do you? i really wanna know" in a trusting semi-serious sort of way and i don't know. it was good to let it out but at the same time, i didn't want anyone to know... because honestly, i'm still trying to figure it out myself and what to do about it. *shrugs* thanks for calling me WOMAN! haha. it was a great time talking to you and sorry! if you didn't comprehend my sentences! i swear, it's the tongue ring that effected my talking style haha. and sorry! if i seemed like i was going on and on... eep! but it was fun! and thanks soo much for your input and your ideas and everything! haha and oh! for the bit of information you let me know about haha... don't know what i will do with it now.. hmm haha yeah, so it was HOT and i was on the phone and by the end of two hours of holding the phone up to my ear.. it left sweat marks! eww! gross huh? yeah.. haha
i talked to thuy today! sometimes, i don't know how to comfort her or what words to offer her. it's not that i don't want it! it's just, throughout our friendship, it has always been thuy that has had many past experiences and her knowledge of the world that helped ME. i was scared my advice or my input would collide with what she was thinking. hmm, did that make sense? gee, i don't know haha. but yes ma'am! i will get offline and to something usefull like work out my butt! haha
my god! i swear i wasn't this big the beginning of junior year. i guess, before junior year started out, i used to still work out a bit, just for me, i guess. then, just stopped. you see here folks, haha, when i was depressed on how i looked, i would work out, jog, whatever. but junior year, i still had that problem, just kinda didn't so i didn't think i needed to change anything about myself! damnit haha now, it's all messed up *sniff sniff* haha. ahhh.. .well, it's okay, i'll get to it!
yup, so as of today, it will be eleven days that i will move into my apartment! eep! and i wanna start calling up people to hang before i go. tons of kodak moments to capture and lots of friendship to hold on to! i talked to thuy and although, she didn't have the high strung advice she normally has for me, it made sense and it helped me so now, i'm in a great mood! and i'm just going to let it go. i'm probably making a big deal out of nothing. thuy says not to think about it too much because then, i'm just going to get more angered with it so yup haha. okay, that's all that's to report for now! good night! i'm thinking about it. i got this advice from someone on my guestbook ( if you haven't already seen it ) hmm, i kind of wanna know who the person is. anyway, thanks :) i really do appreciate it.
i talked to lotion about it. ( i'm so used to calling him lotion that i don't even call him by his real name: tri. ) anyway, i guess i know what i have to do. it's just when to do it or how to even go about it
but this whole thing in my head keeps telling me "linda! you shouldn't care!" but i can't help it. i do. i just do. with lisa, it bugs me too, but not as much as with this thing...
it seems i shouldn't at all be upset and i seem like i'm going totally all out crazy, but what do you expect? i'm leaving for davis in two weeks, can you really blame me for wanting a little time to grasp? i don't know. but under some circumstances, i think i have a good reason for being upset. lotion said "you should be sad... if anything." i am.. i think it's just all out pain and sadness behind that anger i'm holding in. we'll see... so i'm getting ready to go to bed at 2:30 am, right? when all of of a sudden, i start thinking... and now here i am. it's three in the am and i am all puffy eyed and nose runned from bawling my eyes out from all these thoughts.
i know that isn't vital to you people out there, that i'm crying. it's just i can't sleep and i'm getting frustrated from my thoughts.
so here's what i'm thinking and i'm sorry, it's just my thoughts and how i feel. how is it that you make time for others but not me? not to sound selfish, but that's how i'm feeling. i mean, the only time you hang out with me or call me is when you need or want something from me. i mean... you hung out with me that one time only because you needed me for something and that's totally okay. then, you called me and i knew, because i know how you are, that you didn't call me out of nowhere and outta the blue to chat. i knew you needed or wanted something out of me. and that's why i waited for you to ask me. i didn't even bother to think about chit chatting because the moment i heard your voice, i knew it had to be something you needed from me. some sort of information and what do you know? i was right.
i know a lot of you don't even know what i'm talking about much less who it is. but gar! it gets me mad and frustrated and i laid in bed, thinking about it over and over and telling myself "just let it go linda" but no, i'm not because it keeps coming back. i've let i go before, don't think i haven't, but it haunts me so now, i'm going to have to deal with this somehow.
it's true. it just seems that's the only time you have anything to do with me, is when you need me.... okay, i know not all the time, just those two times that i mentioned, but still! fuck. it sends me crying and thinking if this friendship is even worth my effort. it hurts.. it honestly does. it's as though some sort of "important" thing has to push you to have contact with me which plain pisses me off
i have two weeks left here in san jose, like a lot of people do, but you know we haven't spent all that much time together but fuck. i'm sorry for the bad language guys. as you can see, i am really not in a giddy mood.
it's just i got to thinking and the more i thought about it, the more i saw it and realize it's friggin damnit true!
so i stopped crying for a bit, got out of my bed, turned on the light switch, turned on my computer, paced for a bit, talked out loud and just typed away... this is something that will stop me crying for awhile and maybe a bit restless.
while crying, i started crying over what don told me and how i'm soo worried for him even more. then, this whole college thing and moving off. next in line, my dad... he's been hurting for the past week and as i'm sitting here now, i'm starting up again. just great. because he's drank too much alcohol, he has some sort of liver problem or something. i don't know really. my mom just said, he's been hurting a lot lately... :| gar! it gets me mad because it's probably the smoking that affected him too. see people! smoking is bad! i always got mad at my dad for doing that... with him being kind of ill, paying for college and supporting the rest of the financial payments will be a toughie. so fuck. a few hours ago, i was happy. i was just great. now, gosh.
gee, you are a butthead huh? sometimes, i think that. other times, i know you're a really good person. but damnit, i can't help it. and i'm not trying to be mean, but it's true. it hurts me like damnit. just thinking makes me this way. it's not that i'm overanalyzing because i know this time, i'm actually right and i do have a good point and reason for getting upset. and i swear, when linda gets upset, there's always some deeper meaning to it. whatever. well, at least i stopped crying for a bit. i think i'll go try to sleep now.
i don't know what i want. i guess i just want to know that you want to spend time with me or call me because you WANT to, not because something made you have to.... sorry, nerdbutt gets even more angry when she thinks about it. the more i think about it, the more i know i'm right. i hope that didn't make me seem too cocky. anyway, it felt nice to let it out. i swear, i'm too jumpy lately haha. i think it's the sleeping late or i'm just happy? hmm...
when was the last time i was in this thing? hmm.. thursday? i think so. anyway, not much has happened over those last few days.
it's kind of cool, ever since the LONG email i sent out, i've been hearing a little "hey, what's up?" from people i haven't spoken to in awhile! aww! haha and my old buddy back in sophmore year emailed me back and she wants to take ME out to lunch haha! aww! ain't that nice?! it is! brenda and i used to be close back then, but then, junior year, we had no classes together so we kind of just drifted.. she's affectionate though. wait.. is that the right word? hmm.. for instance, she would always say to me "i've missed you!" awww! i love that gal! maybe, she's just blunt? okay, it's blunt haha
but it's cute! i mean, i don't know, but lazyness is also kicking it. the fact that i've been stucked up in this house and haven't driven since my driving test is placing me in a "i'm already used to staying home so i don't know how to socialize" kind of thing. okay, i'm probably overexaggerating haha. well, bien did invite me to a party that was going on last night ( friday ) but i didn't know if i wanted to go. there were going to be people i didn't know! and that's just eh. i can't display my hyper and "wild" side around people i don't know! lord, that would be weird haha. just imagine if i did! eep!
i talked to don on the phone umm.. thursday night! yup. it was nice to hear his voice and to just talk :) he explained something to me. it's something i should have already known being a girl and all haha but don HAD to explain it to me! haha well, ivan wanted to know too so now if he asks me again, i can tell him! yeah! linda will teach that dorkhead a thing or two :)
thuy and i had another chat about our best friend relationships thursday night. it's always pretty interesting and somehow, with her, when i talk about ivan, she understands that we're close and it's okay for me to jibber jabber about him without her thinking "damn, she likes him!" as would many people would assume. it's because she does the same about tommy. she says ivan and i are weird! we are NOT! shut up! haha. a difference between my relationship with ivan and thuy's relationship with tommy is just.. ivan and i have been together before.. so people's perspective of us are kind of two-sided. ahh... well. people are allowed to have their own thoughts.
oh my god, i've been going to bed a little late in the evening ( two amish ) a lot now. i took my nap around eight pm so when i woke up, i was refreshed and went downstairs to watch some dvd movies with my special *wink wink* :) i watched the rookie but it took me about three hours to watch it ( that's not the length of the movie ) because i kept stretching and pausing and running up to my room to check on important messages haha :) but the movie was nice. i cried... again! haha i swear, i cry soo easily watching anything. it was good crying! not crying because someone died in the movie!
stretching was nice. it felt good to just work out the tension in the legs. yup. i miss modern class... yup, so sometimes, i create my own moves that i've learned from modern dance class. it's fun haha. little ol' me is choreographing haha :) eep! i can't wait to go to davis and get to class! the feel of the dance floor beneath my bare feet ( because in modern, we dance barefeet ).
oh! and speaking of college! i had this really absurd dream about starting college only, it wasn't any other college people have been through. it was some sort of huge hotel/college. erk? it's odd and i don't really want to get into details.. because it's weird! haha
geez, i should start riding my bike, to get the feel of the wind in my hair! speaking of hair! i'm thinking of dying my hair a brown color or i don't know? i'm scared haha. i kind of just want to let it go out naturally haha. well, except for the six inches of already dyed hair... haha. i have about a two inches or more of my natural hair haha. i guess i'm digging a change and changing my hair color is something i want. you know? new college, new look? yeah haha
oh! i almost forgot! christine and i were talking about going bowling or pool and to invite the guys to come along. and the guys are lotion ( her boyfriend ) and ivan. okay! i told them many times, "this is NOT a double date! it's a date for you two and ivan and i are chaperones! non-dating okay?!" haha. ivan is the only one we haven't told about the plans, because i haven't seen him yet. yup haha. i'm kind of scared and nervous to hang out with that couple, just for fear they're going to think stuff if they see how ivan and i interact with one another... *squiggy face* it happens all the time when people see us hanging out. we'll see if this outting takes place
i feel like calling people up to hang out now.. so i guess i'll do that later today. but today's plan is to study for calculus! eep! i need to go get a chemistry book too! damnit! haha
tommorrow afternoon is one of the davis' convocation so i'm gonna be getting dressed up to attend it with my folks. yup! hmm.. am i supposed to get dressed up?! don't you hate that? when you don't know if you're supposed to be dressy dressy or in casuel, plain clothes and so when you get there, you're overly dressed?! okay, i'm going to ask janice what she's wearing, just to be on the safe side haha :)
note to self: make list of needed apartment things! eww tony! i hate you! trying to make yourself look like a smart guy! and hey! paper spoons CAN happen! shut up! haha it's because see... i was telling him about my mom buying me items without a huge must have! i said "she bought me paper plates and paper spoons but NO kitchen table!" and i didn't realize i typed paper spoons... so tony was all "uh.. so paper spoons huh linda?" after seeing what i just typed, i said, "d'oh! i mean PLASTIC spoons!" stupid tony.. haha hmm, in this case, morning hyper. haha :)
i just finished watching kate and leopold it's a cute movie! i cried... of course, that isn't a shocker :)
but great news! i'm not leaving september 15th! instead, i'm moving in on the same day that many of the UCs are moving! eep! so more time for me! i didn't want to rush myself. i'm already eight boxes and part of a suitcase packed! i even detached my bed! you know, took apart the bedframe? haha well, now, more time to get stuff for my apartment and most importantly, friend time!!! eep!! :)
i talked to kristen tonight and we discussed apartment stuff: what to bring, who's bringing the tv, furnitures, splitting the bedroom or not, etc. her plan was to move in the stuff on saturday, september 14th and move in on september 21st. i brought the impression that we were just going to move in altogether on september 15th since the lease starts that day. however, if she isn't there, that means i have to be left alone for an entire week. that's not good in my book because it's scary to be on my own and actually being on MY own! get me? haha. i rather be on my own with kristen with me haha :)
oh! i did get a bike a few days ago! woohoo! from toys 'r us! yeah!! miss linda ly is riding in style folks! and i got a new lock! haha. it kept me entertained for about umm, ten minutes haha :p
oh! i talked to thuy tonight about our friendships with our guy best friends haha. it was fun. i enjoyed it :) i mentioned something to her about what ivan and i did and then, she would bring something related about her and tommy :) haha. she thinks we're really weird! but her and tommy are just as weird! :p ahh.. isn't it great thuy? we're friends with the most weirdest guys.. haha. they loOoOve us mucho... freak, better treat us like queens! shoooot! i'm queen linda and ivan is my jester! oh! haha for my birthday ( i don't think i mentioned it ), dorkhead got me this precious moment thingy, a model or whatever haha. and it's of a princess.. close enough. has a crown. he was trying to look for a queen and a jester one! hahaha! sorry! everytime, i hear or see the word queen, i think of that... :)
may i have your attention please? angela did a "something." i can't say. swore to secrecy :) freak ang! you know what i would have done?! i would have just been giving out bad language off and damn! haha once again, i'm swore to secrecy :)
hmm, i got to thinking. ha! like that's anything new :p well, lindon IMed me tonight, saying, "you like ivan! i know it! you know it! admit it!" oh geez.. haha it's cool. doesn't bug me. it's just going to give ivan and me a good laugh. i swear... now, that we've become a lot closer, we, well, i get it. why doesn't the guy ever get it?! why the girl?! pick on someone your own size lindon!! haha gar! :) come on now people!! it's been over a year since we've broken up!! quit it already haha
i think it might be my AIM profile that mistakenly gives off the message that i still have the hots for ivan. he's like my best friend! it's okay for me to be THAT close to him, people... haha. if you haven't seen my profile or can't access it, here's what it says:
the things nerdbutt gets dorkhead to do! *snicker snicker*
swimsuit browsing in macy's, haha!
~ linda picks up a black and white suit ~
~ ivan picks up a hideous suit ~
this actually occurred! it exhibits our special lingo! :) strangely enough, this is the sort of thing i'm going to miss... i swear we're not on crack or anything! :) now, does that make me seem like i like him? stupid people and their assumptions! :p i swear, it's like i'm NOT allowed to miss the bond much less him as a person. if he was NOT my old boyfriend, it would be such a different story. it's some unwritten sort of law for relationships! if we were just really close friends and had never been together, it would be like "oOoO linda likes ivan. ivan likes linda!" i know, because we went through that before we got together haha. but NOW, since the relationship is over.. yeah. aiyah... haha. it's funny.. people are just plain silly. wonder how long before people will stop harassing me already... haha
it's a little past four am. my god.. haha i'm so night hyper these days. it's soo weird. i used to be scared i wouldn't be strong enough to stay up that late but geez, i have a hard time waking up! eep! it sucks... i'm usually such a morning person :) oh wait, that's right... it IS morning! so technically, i am a morning person AND night.. oOOOo! i'm both so what type of person am i not? hmm... interesting.. haha
i'm always online so you all would think i'm soo computer-orientated. however, i spend so little time actually chatting! haha. sometimes, i'm really away and other times, people IM me and i get tired and i don't want to talk to anyone.. haha *shrugs* i even feel guilty for not reponding when i'm on my away message but really not away.. haha d'oh!! people know my secret! uh oh.. it's okay. i think everyone does that though haha
today, i did help my little seven year old brother with his homework. i swear, directions for grade schooler's homework are really whacked out! how is a little kid supposed to get it when I don't get it myself? haha. it was talking about doubles and doubles plus one. in other words, even and odd numbers. doubles and doubles plus one just confuses the little brats haha. but for the first time in a long time, it was nice... it felt like a family :)
totally slipped my mind! but my grandmama ( my mom's mom ) is coming from vietnam in i think four weeks
or i don't know. aiyah! not to sound selfish, but what about me?! i'm going to college! i have tuition to get paid and other junk... and it's scaring me.
okay, time for this nerd to get to bed. oh! one more thing! bien told me this afternoon that when someone says "you're such a dork" it means "i like you" haha! you are sooo wrong bien haha. i get called "you're such a dork!" all the time. it doesn't mean they all adore me, does it? haha. i get called "you're such a nerd!" from ivan. it's because i'm the nerd and he's the dork. derh! nerdbutt and dorkhead, get it? haha okay, linda needs sleep. it's making her loose control of her functions haha tuesday, i spent some time writing and sending a LONG email out to people :) i hope you all enjoyed reading it! well, i hope you at least survived through the novel! haha :) and it was nice. i just wanted to make people feel special because everyone is! derh! :)and you know what? i got that same favor back! eep! haha it was just nice... :) sorry, i'm just giddy with how great things can be.
and to top things off, i went to bed at five am and woke up at 1:30 pm! woohoo! the bright side of summer haha :)
you may all be wondering why i went to bed soo late, right? the last time i stayed up that early in the morning was talking to a bunch of great people online. well, you guessed it! i was talking to lotion ( aka tri ) he's christine's lotion, people. please, don't use him haha! :) well, we spent a great deal talking about a lot of stuff.
what a small world it was because he looked so familiar when he showed me a picture of him and christine. you know you wanna know haha. well, he went to my crappy middle school!! and my first reaction to his picture was, "ohhhh!!! nooo wonder!! you went to my middle school!!" isn't that a small world? haha so yup! we spent five hours online, talking and talking and it was fun! :) it was weird because we just met that same day. i just IMed him for christine's email address and bam! conversation striked up. yup! hey christine's MAN! haha it was a blast staying up and talking to you! you are one lucky guy! :) christine is one great gal! :) oooh and.. yeah, i guess.. she's lucky too... *snicker snicker* i'm kidding! aww! they're soo cute together! :) he showed some pictures of christine to me haha. yeah, you know he just wants to show off his lady to me :) haha
whoa, that was weird. i just had a phonecall about getting a mastercard. that isn't weird, just that i'm not legally eighteen yet. haha. he called me linda ly but he pronounced ly like "lie" *buzzer sound* wrong! haha it's ly pronounced "lee" haha d'oh! haha it's okay though. anyway, i mentioned, "well, the thing is i'm not eighteen yet, not til a couple more weeks" haha and he said "oh.. well, then, we'll put 'call right back in a couple of weeks' haha" weird stuff. haha :) okay.. it's not THAT weird. it was just a good laugh for me :P
i wanna watch "sweet home alabama!!!!!!!" i agree with you kristel!!! i wanna watch it too!! we're both suckers for chick flicks haha :) i finally updated this thing. haha :) well, i was about to do some crunches and excercise a bit, but now, i see my bed and i'm thinking "freak! i want some sleep!" :D
well, i packed and cleaned up my room for most of the day. eep! it's just nice to have everything organized and in tip top shape :) so, right now, i have eight boxes, an almost completed suitcase ( because i still need clothes to wear for the remaining two weeks! ), my comforter in the corner! ahhh... it's nice, but scary..
it's weird. throughout this whole summer, i couldn't get out much and i still missed people, but then again, not so much you know? we were still in the same city so if i needed them, they were there. now, i know i'm moving off to another city and it's different missing. get me? it's strange. maybe, it's just knowing that they're there that lessen missing them? erk? i don't know.
oh yeah.. i called dorkhead to check up on something.. to make sure everything was fine. yup... thuy's right. he is my hero. but she's my hero too. he's my superman and she's my superwoman haha. oh boy, wouldn't ivan just love that. more appreciation for his ego.
before ivan and i got closer, janice said it's going to be hard letting go because i'm going to leave anyways. it is... but i know we'll always keep in contact. just knowing that i can't run to him when i have problems or want to tell someone something or him doing the same gets me... you know, starting up again *sighs* ahhh.. that's life though.
i'm having a hard time believing that i'm going to be in my own place in two weeks.
sleepy, good night guys. this title just seems to perfectly fit my mood and just this atmosphere. i've been crying this whole day. from everything that has happened or will happen... i guess it's a healthy thing; to let this all out. it's really hitting me now. i haven't been in this pita for quite awhile so many of you all don't even know what's going on in my life unless i've actually spoken to you.
well, to start off, i'm no longer homeless :) yes, that is indeed good news. remember the girl i'd met awhile back and decided to room with her? one late evening, we were online chatting and she turned out to be an awesome girl whom i could see living with. we exchanged pictures and everything. kristen said finding a roommate is similar to a love connection minus dating. right on sister. i agree with you on that one. she's one great person and it's going to be a kick ass time sharing an apartment with her.
yes, that's right. we have an apartment. friday, august 31st, kristen, her mom and i went up to davis and we looked at the place, paid our deposit and signed a one year lease that same day. the place is cute. it's not humungo, but not really unbareably tiny. it's perfect for two girls like ourselves. yup. we did a little journeying downtown before we went home. that took up most of my friday. we left around eight-ish am and i came home three pm.
so not being homeless was a great relief for me, but then again, i'm moving on september 15 or that's when our lease actually starts. it's sad. as of this moment, i only have thirteen days left in san jose and everything is going to be hectic. getting a bike, shopping for accessories for my place. it feels weird, yet nice saying that. my place. or wait, our place :) so that's the update on my living arrangement for the next year. make plans to stop by and visit me guys. you can sleep over and i can try to feed you heh
yesterday was a sunday right? yeah.. geez, i'm forgetting my days of the week and loosing grimp of the outside world. aiyah. well, yeah, yesterday, it was 11:30 am and i just had awaken from my slumber and went right to the computer to fix up the color scheme for my layout. new month equals a new color scheme.
before i continue with this story, know that the reason why i'm well, 11:30 am, dorkhead IMed me. it was right when he went online so that was pretty odd ( just that lately, i'm always the one that IMs him first ), but i didn't think much of it. he said "hey.. something came up" okay, i've heard that "hey.. something came up" before. it has always happened when we plan something, but something always comes up so he has to take a rain check. but the thing that was different with him saying that that day was, we didn't make plans on going out... so i was a bit confused. anyway, he asked if i wanted to hang out that day. normally, when people ask me to hang out with them, they have to tell me hours in advance. i know. i'm just really strange like that. it might just depend on my mood or the person or the plans. but this is dorkhead, he's one the very few who means the world to me ( i mean, i care for all my friends and everyone, but everyone has just a few of whom they care for the world for you know? ) well, he said he was going to pick me up soon so i had to jump right in the shower.
as i rushed in the shower and got ready, my mom asked me to go pick up a bathing suit for my sister since i was going out anyways. ivan came to my house, but he parked at the wrong house.. heh. so we get in the car and he had this look so i knew something was up... so yeah, he came to me for a reason and i don't want to share too much because it's his thing and i have no right to share his stuff to the whole wide world through my pita. let's just say, he needed comfort so he came to me first to get it. yes, i did feel really special and surprised and scared all at the same time...
in the car, we talked about why he came to me in the first place. we decided to go to oakridge to get a swimsuit for my sister. girly store after girly store, ivan followed me. haha. it was nice shopping with him and i think for the two hours we spent out, he forgot about it. thank you ivan for coming to me. it means sooo much to me that you thought of me first.. yup... and oh! thanks for holding my bag! and for helping me pick out a bathing suit for my sister :) you were a great help since you asked three times "do you sell two pieces here?" haha. the things nerdbutt makes dorkhead do :) yeah, that one swimsuit was fugly. heh. i hope i helped you... everything WILL be okay. i really wish i could have came with you though... but yes indeedy... we spent an actual quality time which we haven't for SOOO long, not since, i think last summer.
we talked a bit that night about what happened after he went home and stuff and i got kind of upset or i still am with him ( don't say anything guys. if you don't know, then you don't know.. so please, don't even assume ) about something... i didn't tell him and i didn't want to bring up a useless quarrel at a time like this so i'm holding it in until it's best to tell him or just hope it deteriorates. if you know me, you know when i get upset over certain things, there's a deeper meaning... and it never goes away until i deal with it. i don't think it's healthy at all to just ignore stuff like that. you deal with it head on and find a way to get it fixed. one who keeps avoiding will soon enough be faced with that same problem and get f*cked up.. well, just my theory..
so i spent last night and all of today, thinking, listening to "time of your life" by green day and "goodbye to you" by michelle branch and just crying... not sobbing, just simple tears. just the lyrics to the songs fit my mood and it gets me thinking and *shrugs* so i guess that's a wrap for this pita entry...
i know this is about three days late.. and although, i said it already on that day, i wanna put it in my pita because you're special ang! :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGELA! i'm sorry about my delay in the gift! so many things has happened and yeah.. sorry. congrats on getting your license miss driving lady you! :)everything has been so hectic and i was counting on lisa to give me this ONE thing but noo... she probably forgot... so i can't conduct the anhela's birthday project without that ONE thing! but i will accomplish it!! |linda ly| |seventeen| |september 24, 1984| |libra| |mom is my idol; although, she jibbers and jabbers all that she can, i look up to her with great admiration|
|ivan is the first guy that has had my trust and didn't misuse it. the first guy that truly cares for me. well, down to the dilly, he's my first guy best friend. he's lended me his shoulders, his ears ( literally too! i gotta <3 tugging and playing with his ears! not like THAT you pervs! heh ), his voice and just overall, him as a person. very mucho important to me so let's hope i am to you too... but thank you dorkhead. and yes, i will always care for you :) remember, don't... i abhor it when you do it because someone has to take you for you, not for the "affable" one! haha, remember that word? gee.. how could i forget it? *muah* nerdbutt lOooOoOves her dorkhead! i'm going to always remember your special day! yup!|
|lisa is my coolest chica! always, you'll be with me in spirit, near or far. i <3 you hun! *muah* my spiffy partner in crime :P who’ve done great wonders to my wacky life. you've been such a good influence in my life and so let's hope i don't let you down
|thuy is my psychiatrist and my homie :) and she is also my hero! *sniffles* thank you sooo much for everything! words can’t express my gratitude. thank you for changing me for the better. you're a great person! and i know things will look better for you, just be more patient. geezus, you've done soo much to my life and oh! oh! thank you for taking me to get my tongue pierced ( i just had to get one just like my hero :P haha ) i <3 it haha :) and yes! i'll try not to get it caught haha. it's quite difficult though! haha. thank you for everything you've taught me :) your life lessons will never be forgotten :)|
|mags is my notorious twin, my "linda!" she makes me feel better with her many witty, "you can't help but crack up" remarks! :D i <3 my twin! yup yup! as my twin sister, she's watching me! OoOhh..uh oh haha. thank you for always helping me with my nonstop boy frenzy mrs. dea! *wink* invite me to the wedding!! heh|
|kristel is my sexy hot mama! yeah!! thanks for your many compliments and yes, you're quite the hot chick! ;) aww! kristel is such a great friend to me! *hugs* thanks for that special night! *wink* hahaha. you rock! who knew that one morning would have done wonders to our friendship? eep! *wink* that one other night was trippy! let's do it again! movie night!! :) oh! oh! she's also one of the Ü-chica of the Ü-gang! heck yeah!!|
|don gave me the honorable duty as his listening budd-E; he's my papa! and yup, my street brother as well as my bouncer! better watch out world! haha i miss you mucho. be good down in l.a. okay? i worry about you lots you know? so take care of yourself. i mean it... :)|
|janice is my victim; she's whom i stalk :P yes, jimbo's lady is quite hot huh? :) yup! i'm going to take pictures of this sexy lady for her sexy man! hehe|
|angela told me a spiffy "you can't help but tell the whole wide world" secret, but ultimately, i've pinky sweared :) and oh! we're going to have a supercool secret "trade!" haha! ang peed in her panties! *laughs* can we all say "get her some diapers pleeeasse!" *snicker snicker* :P she's my late night budd-E!! whom i can endlessly talk to *sighs* it's always a janky night talking to this janky angela! she's also one of the Ü-chica of the Ü-gang! heck yeah!!|
|peter is my jamba juice hookup and my stinky sock! you | |||||||